


Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-04-05
Updated: 2003-04-05
Packaged: 2019-05-30 17:27:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15101531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: Sequel to "I'll Be".  Picks up 1 month later.





	1. Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

 

Disclaimer: These characters belong to Aaron Sorkin and the other people at NBC. And the song is not mine either.

This story is set a few months after Noel, but the episodes after it never happened.  
This is also a sequel to "I'll Be", and it picks up a month after that left off.

Show me the meaning of being lonely

By Mer

Part 1

I was having one of those good days. I was in an excellent mood and my wife was still my assistant. I still was gleeful that she agreed to marry me and there was even sort of a bounce to my step. For the first time in a long time, I was enjoying life again. And later I was even going to get to take a limo ride with the President. All I had to do was grab a file off my desk and then head to the oval office.

"Josh, I can't believe that you could be so cruel." My wife/assistant Donna yelled as she came into my office.

"Um, what did I do?" I asked, even though I was afraid of the answer.

"What did you do? You mean to tell me that you don't know?" Donna exploded.

I glanced up from the file I had been glancing over and gave her a weak smile. Donna responded by slamming my office door shut. The force caused everything to rattle. Donna was rarely ever this mad at me. I knew that my good day was pretty much shot to hell.

"This is what you did." She yelled angrily as a notepad came whizzing by my head. "I can't believe you, you bastard."

"Donna," I began calmly as I bent down to pick up the said notepad. "I'm..."

"You're what sorry? Ha." Donna said spitefully after she cut me off.

For the first time I was able to see what could be causing some of her anger, the notepad had a little stick figure of her ex, not to mention deceased, boyfriend Robbie. The reason that she knew it was him, was because I had stupidly chosen to write the name Robbie right under it. And there were a few words around it that expressed my distaste for the man. But in my defense I had done this well over a month ago, before we were married and before Robbie died.

"Donna, I can explain this." I said calmly.

"Oh sure you can. Here you go and marry me, telling me that you are going to be the man of my dreams, that all my problems will be solved. When the real reason is that you were trying to eliminate the competition from my mind." She screamed.

"Donna that's not true. I married you because I loved you and I wanted to be a part of your baby's life. I loved you from the day you walked into my office and gave yourself your job as my assistant." I said soothingly.

"Oh yeah. You hated Robbie, Josh. You probably threw a victory party when he died. Hell, you probably arranged the crash." Donna yelled.

My ears were really beginning to ring from Donna's screaming. I must admit I was glad that they broke up, as predicted. But I was saddened when he died, because of what his death did to Donna. She was blind with rage at the moment, so she wasn't listening to anything I was saying. It must have been something to do with her hormones, because she was pregnant.

"I was saddened by Robbie's death. And I did not cause it to happen." I said quietly, not to mention the fact that my cousin Amy, Joanie's best friend had also died in that plane crash.

"Oh I'm sure you were. Robbie gave you the opportunity to come riding in on your big white horse. He died and left me with child, so you took it upon yourself to marry me and raise his child." Donna yelled in a sarcastic tone that I swear should've broken some glass.

"Donna, I married you because I love you and I love your child, our child. I would give my life to protect both of you from harm. I would have married you even if you weren't pregnant." I stated gently.

"I doubt that. Josh I know your ego and how you can think much beyond yourself, and your needs." Donna shot back.

Donna's words were starting to fill up with venom. She was more than just yelling at me. Right now she was tearing me to shreds, piece by piece. I didn't know how much longer I could stay calm about this.

"Donna, I love you and our baby with all of my heart. I'm sorry that Robbie died, I really am. But I am not glad that he did. Having almost died myself, I wouldn't wish that on anyone." I said softly.

"Maybe you should've died." Donna yelled back.

"I..." I was speechless I had no comeback for that.

Donna wished I had been killed when I got shot. Oh boy, something was definitely not right there. I knew that I should say something in response to that, but I was afraid of sticking my foot in my mouth. I looked over at Donna and her eyes flashed with anger.

"I bet you would be angry if I wanted Robbie's name on the birth certificate." She said accusingly.

"His name can be listed as the father if you want." I replied, even though it was breaking my heart.

"Sure." Donna said sarcastically.

"Donna, I hate to cut this short but I have to go to a fundraising lunch with the President. Can we continue this later?" I asked calmly.

"I hope you die. I hope you get hit by a car or something." Donna replied angrily.

"I love you and I hope you don't mean that." I said as I tried to give her a kiss good-bye.

"Well, I'm damn serious about that." Donna responded as she twisted away from me.

So many words for the broken heart  
It's hard to see in a crimson love  
So hard to breath  
Walk with me and maybe  
Nights of light so soon become  
Wild and free I can feel the sun  
Your every wish will be done  
They tell me

I walked out the door without meeting her angry gaze. I had barely gotten through the doorway when the door slammed shut again. It made an ominous echo. I headed to meet President Bartlett, still shaking from what occurred in my office. I tried to avoid the stares that everyone was giving me.

Donna and I had just had our first fight. Trouble was would we be able to survive it? A walk of gloom replaced the bounce in my step. My gleefulness about being married was also gone. To put it another way, my great day had just gone right down the toilet. And unfortunately, I knew it would only get worse before it got better.

Show me the meaning of being lonely  
Is this the feeling I need to walk with  
Tell me why I can't be there where you are  
There's something missing in my heart

Mrs. Landingham had her cookie jar out and ready for me. She told me to take two cookies. I gave her a weak smile as I pulled them out.

"You know Josh she sounds like a pregnant woman." Mrs. Landingham stated.

"You think so?" I asked, knowing that my face was losing all of its color.

"Yeah, hormones can make you do funny things." She said with a knowing smile.

"I'll keep that I mind." I replied praying that she was right.

"Hey Josh." Toby said as he came up behind me.

"What?" I said as he startled me.

"Calm down I'm not the one you're at war with." Toby snickered.

"Toby that's not funny." I replied quietly.

"Sorry. Hey I need to borrow you for a second." Toby stated.

"Go ahead Josh the president's meeting is running late." Mrs. Landingham assured me.

"What?" I asked after I got into Toby's office.

"Do you think I should ask C.J. out on a date?" Toby asked.

"Excuse me?" I said in a shocked voice.

"Do you..." Toby began to repeat before I cut him off.

"I heard you the first time, I was just a little shocked that's all. I wasn't expecting you to ask me that." I replied.

"Well, I figured that you didn't want me to ask what happened with Donna." Toby answered.

"No, I don't want to talk about the fight. And to answer your question, Toby I think that you should follow your heart." I responded with a smile.

"Oh yeah C.J. and I were over at the house last night and we finished staining the hallway floor." Toby stated, referring to the house everyone was helping me fix up for Donna.

"Cool. Sam said that he was going to put a second coat of paint in the master bedroom tomorrow. If I get a chance I'm going to work on the kitchen. Those cabinets need major overhaul." I responded.

"Yeah I know. So you think I should ask her out huh?" Toby asked again.

"Yes, I think you should ask her out." I replied with a grin.

"Okay. You know I'm still upset that you and Donna were dating under our noses." Toby replied.

I gave him a smile, but I couldn't tell him that we didn't date. I really don't think that anyone would believe us. We had just kind of skipped that part and jumped right into a three-day engagement. Toby was looking at me funny, so I decided to lie to him.

"Yeah, it was pretty easy come to think of it." I joked.

"I'm still jealous." Toby grumbled.

"Yeah well then you could've had a public fight too." I replied quietly.

"Josh, you guys had a fight. I've been married and Donna didn't mean it." Toby replied.

"Gee thanks, advice from a divorced guy." I snickered.

"Josh the president is ready for you now." Ginger said as she came in and interrupted us.

"Saved by a higher authority." I said smugly and walked out of Toby's office.

"I'm not finished with you yet." Toby said in a mock-threatening tone.

"Then I will tell..." My voice trailed off as I felt Toby's hand on my shoulder.

"Lyman unless you want to be a dead man." Toby threatened.

"I wasn't gonna tell her, sheesh." I said as I gave him a smile.

"Have fun at the dinner. I bet you'll learn some pretty interesting facts." Toby replied as he walked away.

Great, I hadn't thought of that aspect. Leo was home sick so it was going to be just me and the president at this function. I shuddered to think of the facts that he was going to tell me. Even Charlie had enough sense to ask for the afternoon off. Yup, this good day was definitely being shot to hell.

  


	2. Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely 2

 

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters they belong to Aaron Sorkin and the other people at NBC. I also don't own the song.

Show me the meaning of being lonely  
By Mer

Part 2

I can't believe that I just screamed at Josh like that. I mean I shouldn't have really even had a reason to go off on him. Granted I did find a notepad that he had drawn a picture of my late-boyfriend on, but still to scream at him like that. Yikes, I was probably going to get into a lot of trouble for that. I had even almost broken his door twice.

Life goes on as it never ends  
Eyes of stone observe the trends  
They never say forever gazing for me  
Guilty roads to an endless love  
There's no control are you with me now  
Your every wish will be done   
They tell me

I collapsed onto his couch sobbing. I knew that he was going to fundraiser with the President and he wouldn't be back until later, but I still felt really horrible. I don't even know where all the harsh words were coming from. I had been married to him for a month now, and never once had he even mentioned Robbie's name in a harsh tone.

"Donna, are you okay?" C.J.'s voice timidly called from just outside the door.

"No." I managed to mumble through my tears.

C.J. opened the door and came in. She sat beside me on the couch. Her face was full of concern, yet she couldn't seem to find the right words to say.

"Honey, what did Josh do?" She asked softly, and then braced for an angry reply.

"He didn't really even do anything wrong." I replied, as the tears fell harder.

"What happened?" She asked as she rubbed my back.

"I blew up at him for totally no reason. And he just stood there and took it. He calmly told me that he loved me, all the while I was screaming that he couldn't love anyone but himself." I replied in between sobs.

"I see." C.J. replied slowly, still not grasping the cause of the fight.

"I found an old notepad of his and there was a drawing of my friend Robbie who died. Except he wasn't just a friend, C.J. he was my boyfriend." I admitted.

I looked up at C.J. and I could see a cloud of confusion on her face. She had been in Chicago when Josh had met Robbie. And she never was told that I was seeing anyone until Josh and I came back married. She knew that I had a friend die, but she just didn't know how close of one he was.

"We had been dating for a little over a month when he died." I clarified weakly.

"And then you married, Josh?" She asked, still confused.

"Yes." I replied quietly.

"So you found this notepad that Josh drew on before Robbie died and yelled at him for it, even though you knew that he never meant Robbie any physical harm?" C.J. asked.

"Yes." I admitted softly.

I could see that C.J. knew a piece to the puzzle was missing. That piece being I was carrying Robbie's child. I knew that they had assumed that Josh and I were secretly dating, but this wasn't making any sense to her. I didn't want to get Josh in trouble, so I kept her in the dark about the baby.

"Josh told me that he loved me and that he wanted to hold me in his arms forever. C.J. he saw me crying in his office, over a guy he was sure was going to break up with me. He never said it aloud this time, but I could tell from the jealous look he had on his face what he was thinking. When Robbie died Josh found me and comforted me and he professed his love. He asked me to marry him and I said yes. I know it was a little soon, but he looked like he needed me as much as I needed him." I sobbed, a little softer now.

"Donna, Josh did need you. Did Josh tell you who else was in that plane crash?" C.J. asked slowly.

"No, I mean he went with me to the memorial service, but I thought he was just supporting me. He never said anything about anyone else being killed, I mean at least not anyone we knew." I replied as a confused look came over me.

"Josh's cousin Amy also died. I guess she was really close to Joanie, they were about the same age or something." C.J. said.

"He never told me." I said quietly.

"I'm sorry. Leo told us at a meeting we had after you guys left. He told me to keep it out of the media, but I didn't know Josh didn't tell anyone else." C.J. stated softly.

"Now I just feel worse because he didn't tell me." I complained.

"I think he didn't tell you, so that you wouldn't feel diminished in your grief over Robbie. I mean he probably didn't tell you so that his loss didn't seem greater than yours. Donna, he has lost so many loved ones that he probably figured he didn't have much time before he lost you too." C.J. comforted.

I felt even worse now. I had always assumed that Josh had married me because he wanted to be a father to my baby. But now I was beginning to think that he married me because he really needed me. I knew that he hardly had any family left, and with his cousin's death, he probably thought he was running out of time to have a family. I felt like the lowest scum on the earth

Show me the meaning of being lonely  
Is this the feeling I need to walk with  
Tell me why I can't be there where you are  
There's something missing in my heart

"Hey look at me. Josh loves you Donna. No matter what happened today he still loves you." C.J. soothed.

"I said some horrible things C.J. I told him never to come back, I told him to get hit by a car." I cried.

"Donna, Josh knows you didn't mean it. When he comes back you can just wrap him up in a hug, and I'm sure that it will be forgotten. You know that he can never stay mad at you for long." C.J. said encouragingly.

"I wish that I could hug him right now. I now feel terrible about what I said, I mean even more so. I accused him of some pretty awful things and he let me. He didn't defend himself, really." I moaned.

"I'm sure that he did, but you probably weren't listening so he stopped. He knows that you love him. Trust me, I don't think he'll give you up that easily." C.J. said with a smile.

"I hope not. I don't know what I would do if he did." I whispered.

"Donna, if Josh had that weak of a spirit he would've died when he was shot." C.J. stated.

"Oh God, I just remembered that I told him I wished he had died then too." I sobbed.

"Shhh, don't worry, when he comes back you can make everything right with him." C.J. said as she gave me a hug.

"What if I don't get that chance? I mean what if something bad really does happen to him? The last words I will have said to him were I hope you die." I sobbed.

"Donna, Josh will come back and he will be fine. But even on the rarest chance that something does happen to him, he knows that you love him. He knows that you didn't mean it." C.J. soothed.

I suddenly got an idea. I ran over to his phone and I dialed his cell phone number. After a couple of rings I got a message that basically said Josh's phone was either not on, or not charged. I slammed the phone down in disgust. It was my job to make sure that his phone was charged each night; I guess I forgot last night.

"Why don't you try paging him?" C.J. suggested.

I nodded but then stopped when I noticed Josh's pager on the floor. He had a habit of slipping his suit jacket over the back of his desk chair, and it must have fallen out. Our fight had caused him to rush out so he didn't have a chance to notice it was gone. I almost threw the pager but C.J, interrupted my throw.

"Josh would be mad if you broke his pager." She said with a smile.

"You're probably right." I sighed.

"Donna, it'll be okay. Just bring Josh some coffee when he comes back." C.J. suggested.

"Then he'll think that I got fired or something." I responded.

"Nah, Leo's home sick." C.J. replied with a laugh.

"Probably a good thing. He is already unhappy that we got married without telling him. He warned us not to show to many public displays of affection or whatever. I think I blew that thin line." I stated.

"Yeah I bet that you probably did to. I think that even people on the tours could hear you." C.J. joked.

"Great I'm sure there will be questions at your next briefing about who the yelling was coming from." I mumbled.

"Oh I'll just say it was some irate members of Josh's fan club who were upset that he was out of his office." C.J. replied.

"But he wasn't." I said sobbing again.

"Hey guys, where's Josh?" Sam asked as he poked his head in the room.

"At a fundraiser with the president." C.J. replied.

"Oh yeah. Hey Donna, are things okay with you and Josh?" Sam asked as C.J. shot him an evil look.

"I don't know." I replied in-between sobs.

"Things are going to be just fine with her and Josh. They had their first big fight today. But it's nothing to worry about." C.J. stated.

"I did most of the fighting." I confessed.

"Don't worry Donna, everyone gets that mad at Josh at least once a week." Sam offered.

"Sam!" C.J. said in a warning tone.

"Oh look gotta go. Tell Josh that I need to talk to him about the thing." Sam said.

"The thing?" I asked.

"Yeah, he'll know what I'm referring to." Sam replied, as his cheeks got all red.

"Bye Sam." C.J. said as she practically pushed him out of Josh's office.


	3. Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely 3

 

Disclaimer: These characters belong to Aaron Sorkin and the other people at NBC. And the song is not mine either.

Show me the meaning of being lonely

By Mer

Part 3

One would think that it was a huge honor to ride in a limo with the President of the United States, and usually it was. But today it felt like more of a chore. I wanted to be with my wife. I needed to be with her. I needed to make her see that I needed her.

"Josh, have you been listening to me?" President Jed Bartlett asked.

"I'm sorry sir, my mind has been elsewhere." I replied realizing that I was about to get yelled at.

"I know," Jed replied slowly. "You and Donna had your first big fight, right?"

"Yes." I admitted softly, even though the whole West Wing probably heard us.

"Was anything thrown?" Jed asked slyly.

"A notepad, which was meant for my head, sir." I replied.

"Oh is that all? You've got nothing to worry about. My first fight with Abbey a vase was broken. Josh, you can tell how angry a woman is by the object they throw at you." He joked.

"Is that so?" I asked with a questioning voice.

"They'll scream no matter what, but it's the objects they throw that really give them away. If the object is something that can't really hurt you then they are only mildly mad. The heavier the object, the higher degree of anger." Jed assured me.

"What about the cruel words?" I asked.

"Like I said that comes with every fight. I don't think that their brains are actually connected to their mouths. Female rage is a strange thing." He joked.

"I hope you're right, sir." I replied.

Where was this coming from? The heavier the object the stronger the anger? I had never heard that before in my life. But then again he had been married for a long time. I still was having a little trouble accepting that Donna hadn't meant those words. It sure as hell sounded like she meant them. Well, not all of them anyway, but a majority of them sounded real to me.

"Josh, do you want to know why I requested you come along with me to this fundraiser?" Jed asked, interrupting my thoughts.

"Because Leo is sick?" I asked even though I meant because you want to torture me.

"Well, Leo was supposed to come along too, but no. I wanted you to come along to reward you." He replied.

"Reward me, sir?" I asked, almost laughing at the suggestion.

The reason I had stopped paying attention to him was because he was going on and on about fundraiser trivia. Until this car ride I wasn't even aware that there was such a thing. Nobody really wanted to be alone with him because he would spout off useless facts all day if you let him. I think only Leo had the power to make him stop.

"I know that we didn't take you along to Chicago. Leo was worried that you weren't ready. I tried to convince him otherwise, but he wanted to make absolutely sure." He apologized.

"I know." I replied quietly.

Leo had already apologized to me for that. I guess it was a good thing that I didn't go because then I might not of had the guts to ask Donna to marry me. On the other hand, I would never have met Robbie so I never would've had a reason to draw him on a pad of paper. I was sure that being married to Donna outweighed not going to Chicago, even if she did wish me dead.

"But I knew you were ready. You got the help that you needed and I could tell that you were your usual self. Josh, nobody blames you for what happened. I mean..." President Bartlett stuttered trying to find the right words.

"You mean that I have P.T.S.D?" I suggested.

"Yeah, Josh we went through a horrible ordeal. You almost died. And you held your head up high. You didn't complain even when you were falling apart inside. I respect you for that. I'm sorry that we didn't notice and get you help sooner." He apologized.

"Please don't worry about it." I said in the tone of voice that begs for a subject to be dropped.

"Josh, nobody was supposed to get hurt that night. You were almost the last person I would've thought to have been shot." He continued ignoring my plea for the subject to be dropped.

"Thank you, sir?" I replied in a confused voice.

"I didn't mean for it to sound like that. I guess we never realized how much you meant to this administration until you were almost gone." He stated softly.

"I know. I don't mean to be disrespectful, but could we please drop the subject?" I asked.

"Okay. But I meant what I said about Donna." He stated seriously.

"Um...okay. Look we are here." I said changing the subject.

I was happy that they were proud of me and all, but I wasn't too sure about his marital advice. Donna had never once been that mad at me. Even those times I showed up drunk at her apartment, or the time she found me in my office with women's lingerie. I knew that she was questioning my motives. But how do you tell someone that you need them and not have it be like a clique?

There's no where to run  
I have no place to go  
Surrender my heart, body, and soul  
How can it be you're asking me to feel  
The things you never show

President Bartlett and I walked into the building where the fundraiser was held. It was kind of gratifying to have everyone envy me. And there were some people from my fan club. At least I think they were because, pardon me for being so blunt, but I am much sexier than the president. So I've been told anyway.

"Josh?" Jed asked as we sat down.

"Yes, sir?" I replied.

"I forgot my briefcase in the limo. Would you mind getting it for me?" He asked.

"I guess." I replied a little glumly.

"I can have Ron get someone to get it for me..." President Bartlett said.

"I know. I'll get it, sir." I replied getting up from the table.

I walked back out to the limo. Secret services agents were swarming around it, but they relaxed when they saw it was just me. I grabbed the briefcase and was about to head inside but visions of the fight stopped me. I cursed to myself as I fumbled for my phone. I found it, but the battery was dead.

"Damn." I muttered.

I knew that Donna had probably already tried to call me. I felt in my pocket for my pager, but noticed that it was missing. I smacked the palm of my hand across my forehead.

"Smooth move, real smooth." I muttered.

I looked around for a pay phone. I knew that there was a phone in the limo but technically I wasn't supposed to use it. It was for emergencies and issues concerning the president only. Though, I thought it was an emergency, I figured that everyone else would object.

I continued to look for a phone when I spotted on across the street. I jogged over there. I wasn't sure if Donna was ready to talk to me. I waited a moment before I picked up the phone. I couldn't believe how much my hands were trembling.

I started to put the money in when, I heard an odd noise behind me. Before I could turn around I felt an explosion of pain on my back. I felt my head snap back and I had a sensation that I was flying. Suddenly, the flying stopped and I felt the cool cement. I felt immense pain, and I knew that Donna had gotten her wish.

You were missing in my heart  
Tell me why I can't be where you are

I from my spot on the ground I could see a delivery truck driving away. I tried to yell for help but I knew my voice wasn't loud enough. The pain began to get worse and I knew I was about to pass out. Donna's angry words began replaying in my head. I cursed again as my mind faded to black.


	4. Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely 4

 

Disclaimer: These characters belong to Aaron Sorkin and the other people at NBC. And the song is not mine either.

Show me the meaning of being lonely

By Mer

Part 4

I had talked to C.J. for a while and then I had gone back to work. Luckily, for me Leo was home sick otherwise I might be out of a job. I had again tried to phone Josh but I think his cell phone battery was dead. Either that or he had it off on purpose to avoid getting a call from me. I hoped that his battery was just dead.

I started to feel really sick. I knew that it was morning sickness. I wondered why it was called that since I mostly got sick later in the day. C.J. saw me after one of my trips to the bathroom.

"Donna, are you okay?" She asked as she felt my forehead.

"I'm fine." I assured.

"Really because you feel like you have a fever or something. Josh, would kill me if he were here." C.J. replied.

"I'm fine really." I stated.

"I don't think you are. You had better go home." C.J. ordered.

"I'm fine." I stated a little more gruffly.

"I know why you think you have to stay but I'm not buying it. You are going home and there will be no more discussions about it." C.J. said firmly.

"But I need..." I began.

"When Josh comes back I will assure him that you went home sick and that you were sorry about what you said." C.J. assured.

I was about to leave when I remembered that I no longer drove in a second car. Josh drove us both to work, since it was pointless to take two cars. But we were however living in my apartment as a trade off. I said that I didn't want to live in his and we were planning to look for a bigger one in a couple of weeks.

"Hey Donna, you okay?" Sam asked me as he past my desk.

"I'm sick and C.J. told me to go home, but Josh will be mad if I take the car." I said lamely, not mention the fact that he would be mad that I left period.

"I can give you a ride. I have a couple of meetings on the hill anyway." Sam replied.

"Sam, my apartment is no where near on the way." I protested.

"If you'd rather stay and be sick here..." His voice trailed off.

"Okay, okay, you can take me home." I gave in.

I was glad that C.J. promised to talk to Josh for me and let him know that I went home because I was sick and not because I was mad at him. I knew that Josh would worry about me being sick, but I didn't exactly want to tell C.J. or Sam that I was having morning sickness. I had wanted to wait to announce my pregnancy, and now I was glad I had. I didn't need them freaking out about me stressing out.

I did however feel an ache in my heart. What if Josh didn't forgive me? I mean I said that he couldn't feel for anyone but himself, and he pushed his grief over losing his cousin aside to help me. I can be so stupid sometimes and I think it really is because I am a blonde.

Show me the meaning of being lonely  
Is this the feeling I need to walk with  
Tell me why I can't be there where you are  
There's something missing in my heart

"Donna, is everything okay between you and Josh?" Sam asked once we got into his car.

"I don't know." I said as I laid my head back against the headrest.

"Oh okay." Sam replied.

"I was wrong." I said softly.

"Josh loves you." Sam replied absently.

"I know." I replied.

"What was the fight about? What stupid thing did he do now?" Sam asked with a little laugh.

"Sam, please. I don't want to talk about it right now." I asked gently.

"I understand. I know that these things can be pretty personal. I'll leave you alone." Sam replied.

At least I could count on Sam for not pressing me too much. He knew when to leave me alone. Besides, he probably already had ideas on pouncing on Josh when Josh got back. I pitied Josh in that respect, because it was me yelling, but he was going to have do some damage control.

Sam and I rode in silence for a while. The silence was eerie so Sam switched on the radio. I protested at the first heavy rock station that he had on. So Sam went through until he found some soft music.

Show me the meaning of being lonely  
Is this the feeling I need to walk with  
Tell me why I can't be there where you are  
There's something missing in my heart

Show me the meaning of being lonely  
Is this the feeling I need to walk with  
Tell me why I can't be there where you are  
There's something missing in my heart

I started crying again as the song played. Sam looked at me kind of funny. After it was over he turned the radio off. The eerie silence returned. I didn't care anymore. All I wanted to do was talk to Josh.

"I didn't mean to make you start crying again." Sam stated.

"It wasn't your fault." I replied quietly.

"Donna, Josh is my best friend. I hope that you know you can tell me anything that you want to. I swear that my lips are sealed." Sam stated.

I had to laugh at that one. Sam was pretty bad at keeping secrets. Sure, he could keep them for a while but he would eventually be unable to. Usually, he told them to his assistant Cathy and then she would spread them throughout the building. I guess Sam hadn't figured out why no one really told him anything of dire importance anymore.

"I'm not really in the mood to talk right now." I said.

"I hope you die. I hope you get hit by a car or something." Those words just kept playing over and over again in my head. I knew that something horrible was bound to happen, because I had wished it. Little did I know that something had already happened by the time I walked in to my apartment.


	5. Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely 5

 

Disclaimer: These characters belong to Aaron Sorkin and the other people at NBC. And the song is not mine either.

Show me the meaning of being lonely

By Mer

Part 5- (the president's point of view, since Josh can't really take his turn)

I knew that Josh was having a bad afternoon. And that saddened me. I had seen him this morning and he was acting like a kid who had had too much sugar. I hadn't minded because I hadn't seen him happier in a long time. This fight with Donna was really eating him up. I knew that he needed some time to think but I thought he would've come back with my briefcase by now.

"Ron, have you seen Josh? He hasn't come back yet." I asked as Ron's radio crackled to life.

"We got a situation out here." An agent's voice said.

"Is Eagle in danger?" Ron asked.

"I don't think so. But there has been an accident." The voice replied.

"Okay, deal with it. Have you seen Josh anywhere?" Ron asked.

"He was in the accident." The voice replied gently.

"Oh my God." I said as I jumped up.

"Mr. President, you can't go out there, sir." Ron commanded.

"Like hell I can't. Isn't it your job to keep me safe?" I said as started to head outside.

"Well, yes sir..." Ron began.

"Then come with me." I stated and left him no other choice but to follow me.

"Eagle is heading to the scene." Ron relayed to the men outside.

I got outside and found Josh surrounded by Secret Service agents. He was lying in an unnatural position. A large gash was across his back, and it was bleeding heavily. I noticed a few shirtless Secret Service agents and a couple of bloody shirts already in a pile beside Josh. He was going to bleed to death.

Just as I knelt beside him an ambulance began to whine in the distance. I then noticed another wound on Josh's forehead that was also bleeding. I took off my jacket and I placed it on that wound. He looked so damn pale. I thought that he was dead.

"He's got a very weak pulse." Someone mentioned.

I guess I let out a little sigh of relief but then I caught Ron's eye. His face was grim. I knew that Josh didn't have much longer. As I thought that the ambulance appeared. The paramedics rushed towards us, and I could see the horror on their faces. Even they thought he wasn't going to make it.

I stayed out of the way and I let the paramedics do their job. As they loaded Josh into the ambulance I jumped in there with him.

"Mr. President." Ron said in a warning tone.

"I'm riding." I said firmly.

The paramedics looked at me and then they looked at Ron. Ron wasn't very happy but he jumped in the front seat. I had won, but my personal victory wouldn't mean anything if Josh died. I held on to his limp hand.

"It's gonna be alright. You are going to be fine." I assured him.

The paramedics looked over at me. The look they were giving me wasn't a positive one. I don't think that they expected him to still be alive, much less make it to the hospital. I tried to conceal the same look from my eyes. Josh wasn't going to die.

It made me think of the last time Josh was rushed to the hospital. Josh was rushed in right as they were taking me up to surgery. It made me feel sick to my stomach then just as it was now. Josh had so much to live for in his life. He was too young to die.

We reached the hospital and boy was it a sight. An ambulance followed by a bunch of police cars and a presidential limo. I do think that even the Emergency Room was cleared out. Abbey told me that they had done that for me, and I wanted to tell Josh that he was just as special.

Josh was rushed into a trauma room and all I could do was stand and wait. As I went over to a waiting room I noticed that a TV was on. I sat down on a couch and watched as a special report interrupted the program that was on.

"Details are sketchy at this hour but it appears that there has been an accident at a fundraiser that President Bartlett was attending. White House Press Secretary C.J. Cregg was unable to provide us with any information. We do know however that President Bartlett was not injured. It is unclear whether a member of President Bartlett's senior staff was injured..." The anchorman was saying.

"Shit." I exclaimed.

I had forgot to call and tell them that Josh was hurt. Damn, C.J. was probably going nuts. And Donna, man she must be beside herself with worry, especially since the fight. I sighed and looked around for a phone. Ron handed me his.

"C.J. you had better send Donna over here quick." I said quietly.

"What happened?" C.J.'s shaky voice at the other end asked.

"I don't know. I think a car or something hit Josh. He's in pretty bad shape." I replied.

"Oh God. Donna went home sick. I'll have Sam pick her back up. Sir, are you okay?" C.J. asked.

"I don't know." I replied gently.

"Is he gonna make it?" C.J. asked.

"I already told you that he's in bad shape. Just get everyone over here." I commanded.

"Yes, sir." C.J. said solemnly.

"I didn't mean it that way." I said softly.

"I know, sir. We will be there shortly." C.J. replied.

"Call Leo for me please. And tell Abbey that I'm okay." I asked.

"Yes, sir I'll make sure that someone calls Leo. Oh, I believe that Mrs. Bartlett is already on her way." C.J. replied.

"Tell Zoey and Charlie too." I said as I suddenly remembered them as well.

"I will." C.J. replied.

I hung up the phone and saw Abbey come running over to me. She looked at me and for the first time I realized that I was covered in Josh's blood.

"It's not mine." I said as I wrapped my arms around her.

"I was told that there had been an accident..." Abbey began.

"I know. I'm sorry I became so caught up in everything that I forgot to let everyone know I was okay." I replied.

"How is he?" Abbey asked.

"I wouldn't know. I think that it's pretty bad. Maybe you can go and find something out." I suggested.

"Okay, stay right here." She commanded.

"Yes, ma'am." I replied with a weak smile.

Abbey returned a few minutes later, and the color was completely drained from her face. I wrapped her up in my arms again. I knew I should probably ask her about him, but I couldn't bring myself to hear the answer.

"They are surprised he's still hanging on." Abbey murmured quietly.

"He's in love." I replied.

"I hope that's enough." Abbey whispered.

Oh it had better be. Donna would completely lose it if he didn't. And I wouldn't even know where to begin to find a replacement for him. I know he does stupid things sometimes, but for the most part he is as important to the administration as Leo was. Josh wasn't going to die. No he couldn't have survived everything he had been through only to die now.


	6. Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely 6

 

Disclaimer: These characters belong to Aaron Sorkin and the other people at NBC. And the song is not mine either.

Show me the meaning of being lonely

By Mer

Part 6

I had barely even laid down on my couch when there was wild pounding at the door. I could hear Sam screaming at me. I got up and thrust open the door and that nearly knocked Sam over.

"What?" I asked annoyed.

"Donna, you need to come with me." Sam commanded.

"Let me get my coat." I muttered.

I felt really sick and weak. I knew that this was a normal part of a pregnancy, but I doubted being summoned when I felt this way was. Sam helped me get my coat on and he practically ran with me to his car. I slumped down in the seat.

"Donna, are you okay?" Sam asked concerned.

"I told you I was sick." I protested.

"Oh yeah." Sam replied.

He was driving kind of fast. I knew that something major must've happened. Maybe Josh was having another panic attack or something. Though I was pretty sure he hadn't had one of those in a long time. He wasn't even having nightmares.

"Sam!" I yelled as he took a corner too fast. " What the hell is your hurry?"

"Josh was in an accident." Sam replied, ignoring my comment about his driving.

"What?" I screeched.

"Josh was in an accident." He repeated only this time he said it really slowly.

"Stop the car!" I said as I felt a fresh wave of nausea.

Sam obliged and I got out and threw up on the sidewalk. Sam looked at me helplessly. I closed my eyes for a moment and the feeling went away.

"Are you sure your okay?" Sam asked.

"I'm pregnant Sam." I replied.

"Well, you didn't have to get sarcastic with me." Sam replied.

"No, Sam I really am pregnant." I replied.

"Oh..." Sam said as if a light was coming on.

"I'm better now. We can go, just not so fast okay." I said as I got back in the car.

Josh was in an accident. I couldn't believe it. I felt a shiver go up my spine. No a car couldn't have hit him. No something else had to have happened to him. Tears streamed down my cheeks as part of our conversation played through my head.

"I hope you die. I hope you get hit by a car or something."

"I love you and I hope you don't mean that."

"Well, I'm damn serious about that."

We made it to the hospital and found C.J., Toby, Mrs. Bartlett, and President Bartlett waiting for us. C.J. came and gave me a hug. And then she led me to a couch. It was the same couch that I sat on last time Josh was at this hospital.

"Donna, we think that Josh was hit by a delivery truck." Mrs. Bartlett began.

"He's in surgery now." C.J. added gently.

"He's lost a lot of blood." Mrs. Bartlett continued.

"It's bad, isn't it?" I asked and from the looks on their faces, I knew it was really bad.

I pulled away from C.J. and I went to the chapel. I had gone there to pray the last time Josh was in surgery. I reached one of the pews and I began to sob uncontrollably. This was all my fault. If Josh died it was all my fault.

Show me the meaning of being lonely  
Is this the feeling I need to walk with  
Tell me why I can't be there where you are  
There's something missing in my heart

"Donna, Josh is a fighter." Abbey Bartlett's words soothed.

I didn't know what to say to that. What could Josh possibly have left to fight for? I had already told him that I wanted him dead. I already told him that I wanted my unborn child to bear Robbie's name. I told him a bunch of lies. He told me he loved me and I told him I wanted him dead.

"C.J. told me that you guys had a huge fight today." Abbey stated.

"I told him that I wished he would get hit by a car. I guess I should be happy that he followed my instructions." I snapped.

"Donna, you didn't mean that. I know that Josh knows you didn't mean that." Abbey soothed.

"He told me that he hoped I didn't mean that, and I said that I meant every word." I sobbed.

"Donna, you were angry. I'm sure that Josh understands that." Abbey said.

"I was so awful to him. I'm a horrible person." I sobbed.

"Donna, you are a wonderful person." Abbey began.

I could feel the anger at myself rising. I didn't deserve her kindness. My husband was in the hospital because of me. I had ripped his heart to shreds before he was hit. He probably didn't even notice the truck.

"A wonderful person doesn't marry somebody and then tell them that they don't love anyone but themselves. A wonderful person doesn't yell anything of the things I yelled at Josh. Josh doesn't need me; he needs someone who loves him for him. He needs someone who didn't marry him for selfish reasons." I snapped.

"What?" Abbey asked.

"Josh needs someone like Joey Lucas or Mandy. He doesn't need a disgrace of a person like me." I rambled.

"Donna, that's not true. Josh loves you and you love him." She stated assuringly.

"I can't be here. I can't be here when Josh is fighting for his life. A life that only a few hours earlier I said I didn't give a damn about." I replied.

I ran out before she could stop me. I couldn't be here at the hospital. Josh needed to be around people who cared about him. He needed to be around people who he knew he could count on. He didn't need me.

I made sure that I bypassed the waiting room where everyone else was. As I started to go outside a secret service agent stopped me.

"Ma'am is something wrong? What is your hurry?" He asked me.

"Henry, she's cool. That's Lyman's wife." Another agent stated.

Henry let me pass. I got out to the street and I didn't know where to go. My heart ached to be with Josh, but I knew I didn't belong with him. I looked angrily down at my stomach. If I didn't have this baby then Josh would never have agreed to marry me. I raised my fist but I stopped before I hit myself.

I knew I needed to calm down. I took a couple of deep breaths. Then I hailed a cab. I was going to go home and crawl up into a ball. I just wished that I could stay there for the rest of my life.


	7. Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely 7

 

Disclaimer: These characters belong to Aaron Sorkin and the other people at NBC. And the song is not mine either.

Show me the meaning of being lonely

By Mer

Part 7

I went into this room and my dad, my sister, and my cousin Amy were all sitting on a couch. They invited me to sit in a chair across from them. Joanie looked just as pretty as I remembered her to be. And my dad was all smiles. It was so good to see them.

"Joanie, I'm so sorry." I began.

"Josh don't worry about it. I am happy here." Joanie said with a smile, and I swear I could hear Ave Maria playing in the background.

"Welcome home Josh." My dad said.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Oh Josh you're so funny." Joanie laughed.

"Give him time, it takes awhile to adjust." Amy said.

"Wait, I have Donna and the baby. I can't be dead." I protested.

My father looked at my sister and then he looked back at me. I didn't know what to do. I had to get back to Donna. I promised that I would help her raise the baby. I promised that I would always be there for her. A Lyman never breaks a promise.

"Are you sure that she is worth giving us up for?" Joanie asked.

"Especially after that fight that she had with you. Kinda funny that you actually got hit by a car." Amy stated.

"I have to go back to her. I promised." I pleaded.

"Like she really wants you back." Joanie taunted.

"What? Who's side are you on?" I asked.

"Does she mean the world to you? I mean if you went back and she told you that she hated you, would you regret going back?" My father asked.  
"Of course not. I love her. I promised her that I would always love her. I promised her, Dad." I pleaded again.

"Then go, son." My father said as he pointed to a stairwell that only lead down.

"I love you, but I can't stay." I replied.

"Hurry or you won't be able to go back." Joanie interrupted.

I got up and ran towards the stairwell. They yelled that they loved me and good-bye. I yelled the same back. I had a promise to keep. The stairwell began to disappear but I got on a step before it could. I raced down the stairs. I had to get back; I had to get back to her.

Suddenly darkness enveloped me. I became aware of immense pain. Pain meant that I was alive so I welcomed it. I tried to open my eyes but I couldn't. I became afraid that I didn't make it back in time, until I heard voices.

"Why is it taking so long for him to wake up?" Sam asked in a mildly whiny voice.

"He needs time to heal." C.J. said absently, though Sam was unconvinced.

"Last time he needed to heal but he had woken up by now. It's been three days C.J. maybe he's not going to wake up." Sam replied with almost a crack in his voice.

"Last time he had..." C.J. began but stopped herself.

My friends were there with me. I felt comforted by that, but even I knew what C.J. didn't say. Last time Donna was there by my side until I was out of the woods. But Donna wasn't at my side; she must feel horrible about what she said. Didn't she know that I didn't care about our stupid fight?

It took a lot of effort but I forced my eyes open. The room was really bright. I couldn't really see anything clearly. Everything had white halos around them. My throbbing head was probably the cause of that. I blinked my eyes a few times and C.J. saw me.

"Josh, you're awake." She stated.

"Hi Josh, I'm here too." Sam said like an idiot.

"Hi." I said very weakly.

"The President's gonna be mad. He was with you for a few hours this afternoon. I guess he thought boring you would wake you up." C.J. said which caused me to laugh.

Pain shot through me, but I tried not to grimace. I didn't want any pain meds yet. I wanted to talk to my friends. I wanted to feel alive. I wanted to know about Donna.

"Where's Donna?" I asked softly.

"What Josh, you gotta try and speak up a little louder." Sam urged.

"Where's Donna?" I tried again.

"She's..." Sam began but he knew I knew he was a horrible liar, so he stopped.

"She's not here." C.J. said quietly.

"I still love her." I stated softly.

"We know." C.J. replied.

"We've all tried to get her to come." Sam said.

"She's just not ready yet, Josh." C.J. stated in a voice that meant, we aren't sure if she'll ever be ready.

"Tell her I'm sorry." I said gently.

"Josh, what do you..." Sam began but C.J. cut him off.

"We will." C.J. assured me, and I swore she called Sam an idiot under her breath.

A little while later they left to go get some coffee. It made me realize that I had probably just lost everything that I wanted the most in my life. The last time I woke up, I had a wife and a baby on the way. And this time all I had left was my friends and my job. For the first time in my life I was truly alone. I had found that once in a lifetime love, and now it was probably gone.

Show me the meaning of being lonely  
Is this the feeling I need to walk with  
Tell me why I can't be there where you are  
There's something missing in my heart

I thought about what my dad had told me up in heaven. I didn't regret coming back, because I still loved Donna. I still loved her and I had a promise to keep. I would find a way to get her back. I couldn't lose her.

The End


End file.
